You Sick Bastard!
by N.V.9
Summary: Kakashi and Sai are on patrol when they run into two memebers of the Akatsuki... Needless to say things happen that Kakashi wasn't prepared for. Gift Fic COMPLETE


**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

**Crack-Fic for SMEXYYAOILOVER1000000000. Happy Birthday (or late birthday) and hope this meets your standards or comes close. ^_^ Putting those four together was... something lolz.**

"So what are we doing again?" Naruto asked, his voice giving away how little this mission meant to him. He wanted some action. A mission worthy of missions. Something that would be more exciting and instead he got...

"Patrolling the boarder of our village," Kakashi smiled, or at least that's what they thought he did since his eyes crinkled into upside down U's.

"Naruto, you idiot!" Sakura yelled, smacking him on the back of the head, "Weren't you paying attention!"

"Sakuraaaaa!" Naruto pouted as he cradled his abused head.

"Don't but me!" Sakura growled with her fist in his face.

"Alright, we'll split in to two groups. You guys are strong enough to handle anything thrown at you." Kakashi cut them off as he flicked through his favorite book. With a giggle he waved Sakura and Naruto toward one direction and motioned for Sai to follow him.

"Kakashi-Sensei, should you really be reading on patrol?" Sai asked in confusion. "Would it not-"

"I am multi-tasking." Kakashi flicked to another page and began giggling pervertedly again. "All great shinobi do this.

Sai nodded as he branded this into his memory of things that humans did. This was the first time he was working with Kakashi on Team Kakashi. He had heard and also knew great things about the copy-nin, but Sai had never seen him in action. "I see." He finally said and continued on in silence. "So to multi-task as a good shinobi, I must also read as well." with that in mind he pulled out his own book that explained human emotions and began forcing odd sounding giggles.

At the noise, Kakashi lifted his head and blink in surprise, "What are you doing?"

"Reading, is it not what we are supposed to do?" Sai asked in confusion. He was only following his team leader's actions. Did he, perhaps, do it wrong?

Taking the book from Sai's hand, Kakashi tossed it over his shoulder and pulled out another book, similar to his own, and handed it to Sai. "This is what you need to know. It'll tell you everything."

Nodding, Sai opened the book and began reading about the main characters. At parts that began describing very graphic scenes, he felt his eyes widen with interest. So lost in the story was he that he forgot to pay attention to where they were going.

About an hour into their forgotten patrol, both shinobi stopped when they heard noises in the distance. At first Sai didn't register them until Kakashi took his book away. "Hey, I was read-"

"Shh," Kakashi shushed him. "Listen."

With a frown in place, Sai turned his head until he heard what Kakashi heard. With caution now overcoming his senses, he moved forward, making little to no sound. Once they both came to a group of trees, the unknowns hid behind, Kakashi nodded his head.

Preparing for a fight, Sai counted to three, in his head, before he and Kakashi jumped out of the shadows and into a clearing. To their shock they spotted two Akatsuki members.

"I told you to leave the sick man alone," the bigger one said as he glared at his sneezing partner a small distance away, "but noooooo! You wanted to sacerfice him to your stupid god! And where did that get you?"

"Jashin is not *achoo* stupid! He is the ultim-*achoo*-ate being meant to be *cough, cough* worshipped!" the man gasped as snot ran down his nose, his eyes red and puffy.

"And you're sick," the other guy growled. "Now how are we supposed to get our target if you're hacking up a lung and on the verge of death?"

"I'm *achoo* immortal! *cough* I can't die!" the guy yelled only to end up coughing again.

"That might be the case, but the flu doesn't care if you live forever." the other said. "Now we have to wait for you to get better-"

*achoo*

"Will you stop sneezing!" the guy growled. "I don't want to get sick! That's why I'm way over here and you're over there!"

"What-*achoo* does it matter?"

"Your air is coming this way! Sneeze the other way. I'm too important to get sick! Leader counts on me to count his money!"

"Stop being a bastard!" the sick man cursed as he rubbed at his throat. "I just need medicine."

Clearing his throat, Kakashi made themselves known when both evil doers seemed intent on yelling at eachother.

"Who *cough* the hell *achoo* are you!" the sick man screamed, sounding like someone that chewed on sand paper for fun. "Can't you see *cough, achoo* we're busy!"

"Are you two part of the Akatsuki?" Kakashi questioned.

"Yes, but we're on break." the big guy said as the sick guy coughed, sneezed, and... farted? "That was disgusting."

"I have gas!" Hidan grumbled as he turned shakily back to Kakashi and Sai. "We're mean an-*cough, cough, cough*-d scary. OOOO-*achoo*-OOO!" he went on as he lifted his arms weakly above his head and waved his fingers in their direction, imitating some poor ghost.

"Yeah, because that sounded really scary." the other guy rolled his eyes as he gave the sick man a look of annoyance. Turning to face Kakashi he said, "Look, we're not at our best right now. Can you come back here in a few days or something?"

"Nope." Kakashi shook his head as he placed his hands in his pockets. "Rules say we have to bring you in or fight."

"You'd fight *achoooooo* a sick man?" the sick man gasped in shock and then coughed some more with the fast intake of air.

"Is it contagious?" Sai asked somewhat intruiged. He'd never been sick in his life and wondered what it felt like.

"Yes, this idiot got it from a sick man, that got it from his daughter, that got it from her cousin, that got it from his mother, that got it from her husband, that got it from the dog." the other guy stated. "If the dog was sick, why go anywhere near it? Why keep it at all? Some people..."

"Do you want some childrens medicine?" Kakashi asked as he rumaged through his pack.

"Yeah *achoo* Kakuzu doesn't carry- why do you have childrens *cough* medicine?" the man asked suspiciously. "Do you have kids?" *cough*

"No,"

"Are you some kind of *cough* pervert?"

"What?" Kakashi blinked as he held the container in his hand out to the man.

"Yes," Sai nodded. "In fact, he has these books-"  
"You sick bastard!" the sick man shouted as he pointed a finger at him.

"What?" Kakashi blinked as he let his arm drop. "It was on sale!"

"So you like to pray on children?" Kakuzu said, "And people call us evil."

"Kakashi-sensei, you pray on children?" Sai asked in surprise. "Is that why you became a sensei?"

"No! It was on sale!"

"I bet you say *cough, cough, cough* that to all the kids!"

"I don't molest kids!"

"Then you sale it to them!" Kakuzu gasped with a hand covering his mouth. "You're a drug dealer to children!"

"We only *cough* kill people and steal their demons!*achoo* But you... you ruin their inno-*cough*-cents!"

"It's people like you that make todays society what it is!" Kakuzu stated with wide eyes. "You are making future criminals! Have you no shame in yourself! Do you wake up in the morning and say 'who is my next victim?' Do you?"

"Does *cough, achoo* your mother know?" the sick guy asked.

"I don't sell drugs!" Kakashi said again and turned to look at Sai, who was watching him like he was one of Shino's bugs. "I don't! Sai you gotta believe me! It was on sale!"

"I don't know Kakashi-sensei," Sai shook his head. "I think I have to report you to the Hokage."

"I'm not a child molestor or a drug dealer to children!" Kakashi screamed in frustartion.

"So you molest... adults?" Sai frowned in thought. "So that is why you gave me the book. Do you wish to do those things to me?"

*GASP, cough, cough* "Did you hear that Kak-*achoo*-uzu? He wanted to *cough* molest me!"

"I heard Hidan," Kakuzu nodded in shock and slight fear. "I think we have to tell Leader about this. I wonder if Itachi knows his former village is letting shinboi like this loose on us poor citizens trying to make a living."

"No!" Kakashi shouted but it was too late as both S-Class criminals quickly ran to inform their Leader of what they had just learned. "Sai-"  
"No wonder Sasuke left," Sai nodded in understanding, "You gave him medicine... Sakura gives me and Naruto medicine too... Does it mean she molest us as well?"

"I didn't molest Sasuke!" Kakashi shouted as he threw the container in question into the distance. "But Sakura might have..." he said in an after thought.

"Hmmm and you toss the evidence away as well. It all makes sense." Sai went on. "I must tell Naruto that we are being molested by you and your pink accomplice."

"I don't molest anybody!" Kakashi yelled running after him. "I'm innocent!"

X~x~X

"And then-*ACHOOOOOO*-he tried to get in my pants!" Hidan shouted to Leader as every one, but one in their evil organization stood around in shock at what they had just learned.

"Is this true Kakuzu?" Leader gulped.

"Yes." Kakuzu nodded gravely. "I've never been so shocked in my life."

"I bet he kicks puppies." Deidara nodded knowingly.

"And steals candies from babies." Konan stated.

"He probably pees on ant hills." Zetsu trembled

"And knocks down old people when they're walking." Sasori added.

"Kisame you might not want to be near him then." Itachi advised.

"Hey guys!" Tobi yelled happily as he held up a small container. "Look what Tobi found!"

"Tobi is one of them!" Kisame shouted in fear as all Akatsuki memebers grabbed tightly to their pants and took off running.

"Tobi is what?" Tobi asked the air. "What is Tobi?"


End file.
